I’ve been rocking a mustache now for about two weeks. Usually, I grow mustaches for a charitable cause in November. But for some reason, I’ve decided to rock one all summer long. I’m well aware of the fact that this post will only reach about 3 percent of the population. Mustache only.
Many a time have I lowered a glass of beer/water/coffee/Red Bull Vodka/Anti-aging Horse Urine only to have liquid come streaming down my lips and chin. I’ve stained clothing, embarrassed myself in front of Japanese diplomats, and looked like I was 5-6 times drunker than I actually was.
2. People giving you weird looks when they walk by you with children
I have literally had people move their children to their other side when they see me walking down the sidewalk. All because of some lip hair. And people say prejudice is dead.
3. People automatically assume you’re ethnic
How to grow big moustache
This has never actually happened, but I can’t have a list of 9 things. 10 is a nice, round number.
4. Being called Luigi. Or Mario if you’re a fatty
5. Mustache Comparisons and the depression that follows
Having a mustache means you naturally look to other mustache brethren to track your progress. But looking at Ron Swanson, Burt Reynolds, and Jason Giambi only leads to disappointment. “Mine doesn’t look like that” you find yourself saying. Next, the moment of doubt: “Should I just shave it? Maybe this is stupid. My parents were right…I’m a nobody”. Then you’re drinking a 40 in the sewer with a group of rats you met the night before.
Yesterday, I was in a clothing store when I asked an employee where the restroom was. He looked at me for a solid 30 seconds, his eyes going between my eyes and my mustache, and reluctantly told me where the restroom was. His body language suggested that he thought I was going to use meth in the restroom. Jokes on him, I did.
Don’t listen to people who tell you otherwise, the ladies out there don’t like mustaches. It doesn’t matter how macho it makes you look. And I respect that. I look ridiculous. But I’m not doing this for acceptance from the opposite sex. I’m rocking this ridiculous facial hair for eternal glory.
Same as liquid. I once found a whole rib in my mustache.
I’ve been called a lot of things because of this mustache, things I won’t repeat on here.
Everyone else is smiling, wearing nice clothing…and you’re rocking a mustache. Nothing says, “I am indeed the black sheep of the family” quite like retro facial hair styles.