Thin handlebar mustache. Hate object: pet names

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Everyone knows them, everyone hates them and yet we need them like the air we breathe: Annoying clientele and useless everyday objects that you can really get worked up about – that’s it ZEITjUNG authors not otherwise. That’s why we let our anger in the series „ hate object “ Just let loose and get angry every Monday from now on. One thing is certain: nothing is sacred to us and no one is spared. This time on the hit list: „pet names“.

Saturday afternoon at IKEA. couple melting pot. The mood on a fine line between „I will always love you“ and „No woman, no cry“. A call echoes through the corridors, going through marrow and bone. Just a word, but one that, in its incomparable meaninglessness, can nevertheless evoke countless emotions. In my case? Hate.

At least fifty heads turn in a flash in the direction from which they assume the call is coming. It’s like yelling „Luca!“ at a fifth birthday party in the gentrification neighborhoods of major German cities. Everyone feels addressed. Everyone. gender doesn’t matter. doesn’t matter. Because how important, how unique, can someone be whom I speak to in the same way as all the partners before them and, it seems, also all those who may yet come?

Creativity knows no limits

But the worst thing is that behind a nickname there is probably the idea, with an oh so creative substitute name, the uniqueness and specialness of the relationship to underline. Sorry, but pretty much everything is wrong there. Honey isn’t creative. Just as little Mausebär and least of all hedgehog’s muzzle. It just sounds like you have ugly breasts – in the shape of a hedgehog’s mustache. With Schatz you are just as far from being unique as with an Ikea Expedit shelf as a room divider. But hey, sweethearts also think shower gel, bath bombs and do-it-yourself sushi sets make for totally imaginative birthday presents.

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And if you have to come up with something, then you should at least orientate yourself on the characteristics of the person in question. Is your partner overweight? How about obesity? Isn’t the girlfriend the brightest? dumb cheeks! Kakabär and Stinkemaus then clear themselves.

For those who aren’t super creative, there’s still the internet. You think you’ve seen it all, then you google nicknames and you get a list with the insanely titled, „Clitoral Client: The 40 Naughtiest Pet Names for Your Love Cave.“ Geez. sausage compartment.

All are the same, only some are more equal

But the worst thing of all is that those who are punished with such an unspeakable nickname still like it and if they don’t like this special name, they prefer to be called „darling“. There are numbers on that. real statistics. Incomprehensible. No sooner had one regained faith in humanity through a video of a blind, autistic boy with an angelic voice than this study of pet names came along and destroyed all hope like a steamroller. Just like a steamroller, “Schatz” erases any imperfections in one’s personality. It is the anchor of conformity, the death of individuality, the end of unfoldment.

Loss of Value vs Loss of Value

The worst thing of all is that nicknames are used so carelessly. So common, so innocent, so unreflective. This constant use triggers a phenomenon that is otherwise only known from the financial market. Inflation. A treasure is something valuable in itself. For example, a chest full of gold or the night watchman smurf surreal egg figure. But if there are suddenly boxes full of gold everywhere or if you suddenly find the night watchman smurf in every seventh egg, the value is gone very quickly. Just nobody checks.

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Human dignity is priceless

But the worst thing of all is that when people use pet names, they don’t even realize what they’re doing. How they polka on the dignity of their partner. We already had demeaning pet names. In Faust, evil came in the form of a poodle, in relationships it is a mouse bear.

The peak of humiliation is reached when the partner is called “darling” even in his absence: “You, yes, my darling really like it when I pop a pimple on his back.”. And just when you think it couldn’t get any higher, someone climbs up the summit cross and spits on the last bit of dignity: „Why don’t you give your sweetheart this funny self-made sushi set for your 16-month-old?“

Lotte Dux is a young illustrator and designer who, after working in Wiesbaden and Cologne, has found her adopted home in Munich. With a variety of styles, she illustrates the beautiful and the bizarre as well as grievances and current affairs in a pointed manner and with a love of detail. In addition, she still finds time for ZEITjUNG to illustrate the weekly hate object with a lot of love. Thanks!