It’s obvious that embattled Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez needs to grow a mustache. It’s practically his last weapon left in the battle for public perception, especially now that he’s resigned to only talking about baseball. Since mustaches speak for themselves, Rodriguez could make a powerful statement without uttering a word. Pointy mustache.
But there are so many mustaches to choose from and Alex Rodriguez only has one face. Let’s take a look at which famous mustache style would most benefit Alex Rodriguez.
There are very few mustaches out there that can earn a guy more trust from strangers, but the classic Magnum, P.I. look is definitely one of them. If A-Rod showed up to work with this sturdy pushbroom, he’d sweep doubters out of his way. Look at that thing. That mustache reeks of confidence, and it gives A-Rod the comforting appeal of fathers everywhere in 1987. Unfortunately, it’s 2013, and there are some that look leerily upon decades-old mustache styles.
Einstein’s bushy white ‘stash embodies both a wisdom and a playful zest for life that Rodriguez almost never reveals. The downside? A-Rod would need only wear this mustache for about a week before people started blaming him for atomic bombs and nuclear meltdowns.
Long moustache styles
This is a mustache that says– actually, I can’t say what it says. But it’s also on Jules Winnfield’s wallet in Pulp Fiction, if you catch my drift. Would Ryan Dempster still dare throw at A-Rod if A-Rod had an intimidating Fu Manchu? Doesn’t seem likely, and if Rodriguez could grow out the same sideburns Samuel L. Jackson sported in the movie, no one would even throw him an inside pitch for fear of upsetting him. The problem here is that the Yankees aren’t so keen on hair growing below the lip, and sideburns, we know, are right out. Also, increases the possibility of an insufferable Quentin Tarantino cameo.
It’s… it’s perfect. What better to capture the increasingly surreal nature of A-Rod’s situation than the mustache made famous by one of history’s foremost surrealists? Plus, since the pointy tips of Dali’s mustache extended above his nose and away from his face, Rodriguez could probably get away with it even under the Yankees’ totalitarian facial-hair policy. So it’d be a great way for him to flaunt the rules of a team that no longer seems to want him, and, better yet, a way for Rodriguez to establish himself as more of a public weirdo more than the liar or cheater or snitch he’s often portrayed as.
The only downside to the Dali look is that it takes a while to fashion that type of mustache. But wait! Rodriguez could soon be suspended for a full season. What if A-Rod sat out all of 2014, then returned in 2015 with a full-blown, razor-sharp Salvador Dali mustache and didn’t say a word about it? Just think of how differently the world would view A-Rod if he arrived at the Yanks’ facility in Tampa that spring looking like he does here, then, when asked about it, just said, “Let’s stick to baseball, guys.”
He’d be a counterculture hero forever, and since regular-culture hero is probably out for Rodriguez at this point, it seems like his best bet moving forward.
A-Rod, if you’re out there, definitely grow a Salvador Dali mustache. If you want the nation’s attention off your alleged PED use, grab it with an incredible mustache.